Mondaise Malaise

“Livings mostly wasting time, and I waste my share of mine, but it never feels too good, so lets don't take too long.” - Townes Van Zandt

Seems life is wasting time. In one way or another. Whose to say that one person’s life was wasted more than another’s? Some people are remembered for years after their own life is over. However, this is a miniscule amount. Easily less than a fraction of a percent. I’m sure even some of those remembered souls are only remembered, because they spent their entire lives wasting time in a way that caught other people’s attentions. Most people’s lives are relatively insignificant when compared with those who are remembered. Who cares? Life is life, do what you do. Live how you live. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to being true. Define yourself truly. If success is what you’re after, it first needs definition. For me, success and happiness are one in the same. I would hope a good idea or two pop into my head at some point along the way to help me in the long run. I think this recent idea to go back to school is one of these. I cannot conceive of an outcome I’m unhappy with. I get to be myself. Get paid to be myself and do what makes me feel real. Just talking to people about life.

I don't care if I've posted this before. Listen to it again. "To Live is to Fly", by Townes Van Zandt.

Chant Down Babylon, Midterm Essays

Politics is something I will never subject myself to discuss with anyone I don't know very well. This is partly due to the fact that although I'm aware of current political issues, I don't usually read into them very deeply. It always seems to be the same story. They're wrong, we're right. If people actually discussed the topics that matter, in a way that was interesting and poignant, then I'm sure my ears would gravitate. I used to watch the Daily Show and Colbert Report pretty regularly, and I'd have to say I typically side with their views, only because they point out the the things that everyone else is too wrapped up in their own shit to realize is the truth. It's saddening, and I'd like to believe it wasn't as much like this before the advent of television.

Yesterday at the gym, an older man was riding the bike next to mine. On his other side, was an older woman, with obvious signs of plastic surgery. Obvious plastic surgery usually means only one thing to me: psychosis. Further signs of psychosis shortly presented themselves. She engaged this elderly man in a heated one-sided discussion about the healthcare bill. She must've started the discussion by asking him what side he was on. He gave the "wrong" answer and she berated him for who knows how long. I turned up the music in my headphones. I did catch her saying that she wasn't on either side, blah blah blah bullshit. I'm an independent as well, but I don't go around bugging people and asking them political questions that have "right" or "wrong" answers with premeditated reactions. It didn't end at the bikes either. When I was leaving the YMCA, I saw her pinning (figuratively) him against the wall discussing the same thing. AN HOUR LATER! Honestly, don't you get tired of listening to yourself...EVER?

I enjoy learning and hearing other people's opinions, but it seems anyone who really "cares" about "politics" knows everything there is to know. So, why would I ever engage myself with any political aficionados? I'll always "know" far less than them in their eyes and any statement, point, or insight I put a reasonable amount of rational thought into has a miniscule chance of being received in its intended form.

I'm just afraid that when it's my generation's turn to take the reigns, there will still be only 2 supreme factions in the metaphysical political realm: Those with psychotically skewed realities, and those disillusioned altogether with the topic.

Are you there Jah? It's me Ras Trent.

Jump Start Battle

New week, new focus. Last week I took off in a sense. Sprained my ankle Monday. Implemented the daily creative on Tuesday. Let that round out the week with the help of St. Patrick's day and an empty schedule. Everyone and everything survived the weekend. I have had the urge since I returned from South America to just start going. To jump start my life. It's an urge I'm constantly battling with. Jump starting is good when something is dead. I ain't dead. I need a caffeine boost if anything, but not a jump start. Trying to overcompensate within my mind for my situation. I'm not doing anything exteriorly to overcompensate, besides keeping myself busy, but my mind seems constantly on overload. Thinking way too much, without the balance of action. We'll see what kind of action I can get myself in this week.

Aside from that, Monday is off to a mundane start. Couldn't wrestle myself out of bed before 10 for any reason. The good weather has returned. Going on a little bike ride here in a few minutes. BIKES! I don't feel like partying yet, which is a good sign. I think that fire burned out yesterday. I had a heavy thirst from Wednesday until Saturday night. It was all I wanted to do from the time I got up, until the time I eventually went to sleep each of those nights relatively sober. I haven't had the itch on that scale for a long time without giving in entirely. The last time I can even remember having an itch like that was a year ago. Interesting to note, exactly a year ago, this day, this time. I was just leaving Las Vegas after the most ridiculous 3 day period of overindulgence of my entire life. 2 weeks later, I decided to leave my job and go to South America. It's about time for the ramifications of the decision to come back full circle, manifesting into employment or at least highly-focused direction.

Especially good for Mondays, but really vibes with any day, "Pure Sugar" by 10ft Ganja Plant.

So

It's Saturday. Uneventful night. High quality sleep. Satisfaction. Seemingly so. Only half truth. I was really going to be happy with any outcome. The dream I had directly before waking up convinced me that I should've had a wild night last night, but that's more because I didn't want to wake up having to think about what the dream forced me to think about. The great compromise. Hard to be unsatisfied when there's nothing being asked of. I'm the only one doing any asking. Couldn't tell you how that's working. Not well. So I can tell you. No answers. Maybe the questions aren't good enough.

Here are two statements definitely worth your time. First, "Cooler as Ekke" by Jack Parow. I read about him in an article about another South African artist I'll definitely be discussing sometime soon. Can't understand half of what he's saying (its in Afrikaans), but its a catchy catchy tune. Second, a name a little more familiar: Neil Young and his wonderful tune "Fuckin' Up"

Going Strong

Its one of those nostalgic days, wake up in the morning with the fan still running from the uncharacteristically warm March night before. Sun beating through blinds. Leaf blowers and lawn mowers somewhere nearby. I'm brought back to the memories of summer mornings 10 years ago. A strange absence of chaos. Taking too long thinking about things I don't care about. Too much time trying to distract myself from the day I know is inevitable. It's not like I have a ton to do, it just gets tiring. I'm making progress on a personal level, baby steps everyday. The world around me though, seems to be splintering into fibers. My beautifully neurotic and hyper affectionate elderly pup could possibly have cancer, and is reduced to wearing a cone so she doesn't chew off her own tail. My grandfather was also hospitalized today for the umpteenth time in the past umpteen years for the umpteenth minor stroke (I hope...).

Time. What a force. Age. What a bitch.

What would life be like without uncertainty? Certainly far too boring. Certainly far too certain. So I say, bring on the pain, bring on the despair! And bring on their counterparts. Even the days are too long for waiting.

Feeling nostalgic too? Listen to these "Hey Jealousy" and "Found Out About You" from the Gin Blossoms

DC2: There is a Name

If I start out the morning testing my brain, and letting it do what it loves to do, there is no way I can go wrong in a day. I have thus named it Daily Creative (DC). Especially on beautiful, sunny days like today, being far from employed in the conventional sense, releasing my excess creative energy takes a big load off in regard to the pressures of the ensuing hours. Find a job, find a place to live, feed and clothe yourself, be a man. It's a lot to live up to. I'm doing my best. I've always been taught to do things the right way, and I haven't been sure of it. I'm falling into it. I'm creating it.

I've been telling people lately, that my biggest fear is giving up. Becoming content with a situation and letting the light of my soul dim until there's no will to be myself any longer. This is true, but its a bit irrational. I took some time yesterday to think about what my biggest rational fear is, and the best I could do was the thought of waking up 5 days a week for the rest of my life in the dark, to go sit at a desk and wait on the sands of time for 8 or 9 hours. Routine is very important, and I know some people love being up before the rest of the world. I like to think I am the rest of the world. I'm everything everyone else in the world says everybody else is like. Neither here nor there, never concrete, always adapting and keeping true to the idea that there isn't anything worth "giving up" for.

One I love from Funkadelic: "Can You Get to That"

Major Lag/Back to Basics

So here I am, March 16, 2010 and not a whole hell of a lot has changed since the last time I scribbled a little ditty down. Still unemployed. Actively pursuing work. Decided to further my career in academia. Getting on that. I thought seriously about graphic design. I just don't think I want to go to school for a degree that is going to put me in front of a computer for however long I can stand it. Painting a picture in my head of my career twenty years from now. I can't see where or what I'm doing, but I know there's been an evolution. An evolution of ideas, concepts, activities, and routines culminating in a progressive path towards fulfillment and creating impact for those who care to feel it or notice. Why not start back at school in psychology. I feel it to be the perfect avenue for me to be me and to make the aforementioned mental picture reality.

Today I initiated into my life a daily creative system of exercises consisting of 5 minutes writing, 5 minutes drawing, 5 minutes of composing music in the vocal style, and 15 minutes of anything else creative or challenging I feel like subjecting myself to. I gotta keep it up. This is my livelihood. I can only imagine the wonderful things that could come out of this after doing it consistently for a while. As part of this daily creative, I also plan on jotting down a few ideas and introspections here at least a few times a week. It's not my job or anything...

Song of the day "Funky Boss" Beastie Boys