For Reals

It feels that by doing all of this (submitting to expected ongoing social realities), I’m only delaying the onset of the inevitable. Be it what it may. Inevitability is a fact of life. Something is going to happen. My mind gravitates towards the miserable. More than likely will it will be the opposite. Always seems to be. Coping mechanisms.

As much as I crave routine, I fear it will be the end of me. There’s no room to breathe. Confined. Dark. Dry. I need some flavor. Some spark. Some real life. I only have to put up with the rest of it for as long as it takes to break free.

If I could, I’d live in an altered state of consciousness. Something different. I love people, but its easier for me to live in the lopsided sphere that envelopes my brain. Captive. No ransom, no bail. Now my relationships, let alone all internal threads are dysfunctional. I don’t feel like going anywhere and I don’t feel like staying either. I truly love and can’t stand all of it at once. Can’t seem to escape it wherever I go. I’ve tried to get away. It’s not that easy. It’s in my head.

What is it all supposed to feel like? How am I supposed to know when it's right? I don’t know a thing. Only feelings. And I love it when those change. Keep me on my toes.

I sound confused. I am. Strangely though, something about it all makes some sense of sense to me. Get it? There's nothing to get but a smile. Don't forget it, don't leave it behind. Those little things that crack the lips. Excite the face. Those are it. That's it.

Been listening to Illmatic on loop in the car for at least a week now. Probably have heard it close to 50 times through just in that time alone. Great album. One of the greatest. Just art. Some good ideas executed to perfection then wrapped up and served to the world. Gems like these don't come along everyday. "One Time 4 Your Mind" and "It Ain't Hard to Tell"