So

It's Saturday. Uneventful night. High quality sleep. Satisfaction. Seemingly so. Only half truth. I was really going to be happy with any outcome. The dream I had directly before waking up convinced me that I should've had a wild night last night, but that's more because I didn't want to wake up having to think about what the dream forced me to think about. The great compromise. Hard to be unsatisfied when there's nothing being asked of. I'm the only one doing any asking. Couldn't tell you how that's working. Not well. So I can tell you. No answers. Maybe the questions aren't good enough.

Here are two statements definitely worth your time. First, "Cooler as Ekke" by Jack Parow. I read about him in an article about another South African artist I'll definitely be discussing sometime soon. Can't understand half of what he's saying (its in Afrikaans), but its a catchy catchy tune. Second, a name a little more familiar: Neil Young and his wonderful tune "Fuckin' Up"

Going Strong

Its one of those nostalgic days, wake up in the morning with the fan still running from the uncharacteristically warm March night before. Sun beating through blinds. Leaf blowers and lawn mowers somewhere nearby. I'm brought back to the memories of summer mornings 10 years ago. A strange absence of chaos. Taking too long thinking about things I don't care about. Too much time trying to distract myself from the day I know is inevitable. It's not like I have a ton to do, it just gets tiring. I'm making progress on a personal level, baby steps everyday. The world around me though, seems to be splintering into fibers. My beautifully neurotic and hyper affectionate elderly pup could possibly have cancer, and is reduced to wearing a cone so she doesn't chew off her own tail. My grandfather was also hospitalized today for the umpteenth time in the past umpteen years for the umpteenth minor stroke (I hope...).

Time. What a force. Age. What a bitch.

What would life be like without uncertainty? Certainly far too boring. Certainly far too certain. So I say, bring on the pain, bring on the despair! And bring on their counterparts. Even the days are too long for waiting.

Feeling nostalgic too? Listen to these "Hey Jealousy" and "Found Out About You" from the Gin Blossoms

DC2: There is a Name

If I start out the morning testing my brain, and letting it do what it loves to do, there is no way I can go wrong in a day. I have thus named it Daily Creative (DC). Especially on beautiful, sunny days like today, being far from employed in the conventional sense, releasing my excess creative energy takes a big load off in regard to the pressures of the ensuing hours. Find a job, find a place to live, feed and clothe yourself, be a man. It's a lot to live up to. I'm doing my best. I've always been taught to do things the right way, and I haven't been sure of it. I'm falling into it. I'm creating it.

I've been telling people lately, that my biggest fear is giving up. Becoming content with a situation and letting the light of my soul dim until there's no will to be myself any longer. This is true, but its a bit irrational. I took some time yesterday to think about what my biggest rational fear is, and the best I could do was the thought of waking up 5 days a week for the rest of my life in the dark, to go sit at a desk and wait on the sands of time for 8 or 9 hours. Routine is very important, and I know some people love being up before the rest of the world. I like to think I am the rest of the world. I'm everything everyone else in the world says everybody else is like. Neither here nor there, never concrete, always adapting and keeping true to the idea that there isn't anything worth "giving up" for.

One I love from Funkadelic: "Can You Get to That"

Major Lag/Back to Basics

So here I am, March 16, 2010 and not a whole hell of a lot has changed since the last time I scribbled a little ditty down. Still unemployed. Actively pursuing work. Decided to further my career in academia. Getting on that. I thought seriously about graphic design. I just don't think I want to go to school for a degree that is going to put me in front of a computer for however long I can stand it. Painting a picture in my head of my career twenty years from now. I can't see where or what I'm doing, but I know there's been an evolution. An evolution of ideas, concepts, activities, and routines culminating in a progressive path towards fulfillment and creating impact for those who care to feel it or notice. Why not start back at school in psychology. I feel it to be the perfect avenue for me to be me and to make the aforementioned mental picture reality.

Today I initiated into my life a daily creative system of exercises consisting of 5 minutes writing, 5 minutes drawing, 5 minutes of composing music in the vocal style, and 15 minutes of anything else creative or challenging I feel like subjecting myself to. I gotta keep it up. This is my livelihood. I can only imagine the wonderful things that could come out of this after doing it consistently for a while. As part of this daily creative, I also plan on jotting down a few ideas and introspections here at least a few times a week. It's not my job or anything...

Song of the day "Funky Boss" Beastie Boys

Lag

Adjusting to home living means a few things. Most notably, is the fact that nothing goes according to plan. I got used to plans, following through with them, and having little to no interference. Things change. I'm sure once I'm the king of my own castle again, things will revert somewhat to the way they were. Here at home, too many people, too many events, emotions, etc. Its hectic. Its also great having a loving family willing to accommodate, supply fresh fruits, vegetables, and other foods. Using my mom's old minivan (which is for sale, any interested buyers?). My bike is going to become my primary source of transport once that beast is gone. I've taken it for exactly one ride so far and guess what happened? If you guessed flat tire, you hit it on the head. Might be today's job getting that fixed.

Other things I need to do: find a way to generate moneys, find a place to live, get fit for rugby, play my drums, write and draw more, get outside and enjoy the fine California sunshine, procure more fruit of the loom pocket tees, finish my book and start others, get a haircut, the list goes on.

Living at home also means that I tend to avoid anything and everything for no particular reason. Procrastination is in full effect. Not good for anyone. I'm working on it. New Years resolutions haven't come into play yet. I've thought of a handful, but we'll see if any materialize into nonmaterial goals. Not making any promises, just trying to find a life.

Vikings

Went to my dad's to see the fam and watch the MNF game. Terrible first half, awesome second half. Horrible judgment by Adrian Peterson in overtime. He fumbled. Vikings lost. 1-3 in the last 4 games. Really dropping that cherry on the whipped cream that was this season. NOT.

About a Week

Decided the most memorable way to experience the holidays would be to make it home and surprise the majority of my family. The only people that knew where my parents. Made the rest of the women in the family cry at the sight of me. Even with the beard, I'm a more charming presence than I give myself credit for (doubtful). So Christmas was wonderful, my father and his brood were in Arizona visiting more family. It was nice not having to split up the day, and the trip to AZ would have been a little much after the journey I just concluded. Not the young whipper snapper I once was. Still a whipper snapper, just not the same. As I've previously states, I find myself in the business of making lasting memories. This surprise trip home was one of the most memorable experiences of my life thus far. I wouldn't trade it for anything (although I began plotting the next departure in my head before I got on my flight back here).

I deal with this duality within myself. I'm sure most people who keep in touch with themselves do. Even those that don't. On one hand, I know myself to be the sweet, kind, loving, honest, and overall positive character who would sacrifice the world for any loved one. On the other, I'm of the more selfish, ugly variety. Over the past four months, this side has been heavily suppressed. Only emerging when the drink flows a little too strong, even then it hasn't been so bad, just messy with a dash of innocence and unfamiliarity. Now I'm home. My old tendencies and habits are lurking in the back of my psyche waiting to reattach themselves to me. Some will succeed, others, hopefully not. Some may make brief appearances only to be cast back into the shadows. It is my job as the character I know myself to be (the first description) to handle them. Sometimes the bad makes me want to be better. Other times the bad makes me glad I'm not so good. I love who I am, I love who I can be, and I love doing things my way. Just need to be sure that "my way" is the way I want, and not the way that is easiest.